BDSM Events: Public and Private Play What Is the Difference?
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Public vs Private BDSM Events: What’s the Difference?
Many newcomers to BDSM events often wonder what the differences are between public and private play events. While public and private play events over the country, and world, will differ, below is a brief guide to what you can expect and what will be on offer at these events. Some events like munches, seminars and workshops will be a bit of an exception to the rule, after the main event, I will briefly cover what these are and how to find out more.
Public Play Events
Location
Generally, public events are in public venues. Pubs, bars, and clubs. This allows people to run events in licensed venues, allows for security and for the event runner to not have to give out their home address to strangers.
Vetting
There is no or very little vetting that goes. Anybody over the age of 18 can buy a ticket and attend, they are the BDSM events for newcomers and experienced players alike. If you don’t follow the rules or there are incidents, just like any other club or bar you will be banned, and depending on the severity police may be called. It being a public event doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all.
Advertising
Public BDSM events are advertised in numerous ways, including flyers, posters, radio, TV, Facebook, Fetlife and more. They are advertised to all 18+ because all 18+ can go.
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Photography
Some public events have a photographer walking around taking photos. They will blur the backgrounds of these photos so people’s faces aren’t in them who don’t want to be seen. You can ask them to take a photo of you or you can ask them to avoid photographing you. This is up to you as it is your body and you consent to what photos are or aren’t taken of you.
What to expect
At public BDSM events, there are sometimes shows on stage to show off how some play types are done, there are people who play in the public space that you can watch, and sometimes these events also hold lessons so you can learn how to do enjoy a new skill or play type.
Public events will showcase numerous play types but they will generally be on the less extreme side of things, this is sometimes a good place to start so you don’t see something a bit too much for a beginner.
Private play Events
Location
A lot of the time private events will be held at somebody's house or a BDSM/Shibari-specific venue. This may be a friend of yours just having a few people around for some fun, or it might be an event organiser opening their home to more players for a night once a month for example.
Vetting
These events typically have a process of checking people out. Whether that is they know everybody on the list, have met them prior to the event, requested to know a bit about you or have looked into your history a bit. When at private events you know that others have been vetted the same as you, so you shouldn’t have to worry about some of the things that might happen at a public event. This isn’t to say that you need to be involved in the scene for years and years before being invited or requesting to go to these events either.
Advertising
Private BDSM events are more frequently advertised to people who are already kinksters and BDSM players. These tend to be only on Fetlife, adult dating sites and sometimes private Facebook events.
Photography
These events don’t have a roaming photographer. They will usually have a basic set of rules to follow. As an example, these would usually include:
a) Do not take photos at the event.
b) Do not take photos of others or blur your backgrounds.
c) Ask a DM to take or approve any photos so they can be sure there are no people who didn’t consent to the photo in them.
Remember that you don’t know everybody’s situation and why some need or want anonymity.
What to expect
At a private event there generally aren’t shows put on, you just walk around and watch the plays as they are happening. At private events, some play scenes will be at the more extreme end of BDSM play, some of this is quite personal to the players and shocking to newer players to witness. Sometimes the more extreme types of plays will be in a separate area or room, be sure you want to see what is happening before entering.
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Exceptions to the Rule: Munches, Seminars, and Workshops
Exceptions to this can be munches: Some munches are public and others are semi-vetted. When I say public, in this context, I mean anybody with a Fetlife account can go. It is open to all who have knowledge of what a munch is and all those who fit the criteria (for example only masochists can go to a masochist munch, only Doms to a Dom munch etc.). Others are semi-vetted in the way that the person running it wants to check in on you and see if you are the type of person they want at their event. They want to keep everybody safe and make sure the right type of people are at the events. They may not tell people the address unless they are allowed to come or they might want to meet you in person and have a chat before letting you come and meet everybody else. While they still vet potential partygoers, they aren’t as strict as a play event would be.
The other exception is seminars and workshops, these can be public or private BDSM events. It depends on who is running it, where it is, or what the topic is. I have been at seminars in people's homes, public venues and in our friendly local sex shop. Generally, these are only advertised on Fetlife and adult dating sites but sometimes are advertised to regular sex shop patrons too.
Final Thoughts: Do What Works for You
Personally, I enjoy having a mix of public and private events in my life because I find that both are a lot of fun and fulfil different things for me. I also know some people only like private events because they like to keep their anonymity, while others like public only because their play styles and what they like to watch don’t fall into the plays happening at private events. Whichever way you want to engage with the scene and whatever works for you is what you should do. At least now you have a bit of an idea of what is available for you to enjoy and explore.
TL;DR
What’s the difference between a public and private BDSM event?
Public events are held at bars or clubs, open to all adults with little vetting. Private events are invitation-only and often involve pre-screening to ensure safety and compatibility.
Are newcomers welcome at BDSM events?
Yes. Public events are often designed to welcome newcomers and offer a great first step into the community.
Will I be photographed at a BDSM event?
At public events, a photographer may be present, but you can opt out. At private events, photography is often prohibited or heavily controlled to protect participants' privacy.
What happens at a “munch”?
A munch is a casual social meet-up for kinksters, usually held in a public setting like a café or pub. There is no play, just social connection and community building.
How do I get invited to private BDSM events?
Often through personal connections, community engagement (e.g. attending munches), or vetting processes on platforms like Fetlife.
Are there rules about what you can do at events?
Yes. Each event will have clear rules about behaviour, play, and consent—breaking these can get you banned or reported.
