Trust has a gradation scale. When you take your car to the mechanic, you believe that they have the appropriate training, that they are capable of servicing your car to a high standard. You believe they won’t drive off with your car and you never see them again, and you have faith that they won’t overcharge you. While there are some horror stories, the majority of mechanics are doing the right thing. While you trust the mechanic with your car, would you rely on them to perform open heart surgery on you? Would you pay them to be your lawyer on a murder case? No, of course not. That’s not where they have experience and training, that is not where you have seen proof of them doing the right thing to a high standard.

... that person must be worthy of receiving that trust.

While you know someone may have a certain skill and you trust that skill, you don’t just think they fixed my car, they must be able to fix my heart too and trust that person with everything. This is where the gradation scale of trust comes in. How much you can be safely supported by one thing/person in different situations. In the scene, we are doing things that if done wrong can hurt our hearts, injure us, maim us, put us in unsafe positions and in some cases kill somebody. You need to know that when you open up that vulnerability with somebody, that person must be worthy of receiving your trust.

It is important to know that the person you are playing with has the skills to do what you are asking. To learn this watch them play with others, start simple and build up. What a person says can be different to what their actions show, watching a person in a scene can help you learn if their actions match their words. After gaining some experience I can normally tell that if a potential play partner can’t understand or perform something at level one, there’s not much point in asking them to do something at level ten. Putting your faith in someone means being vulnerable, the only way to do this safely is with honesty and a clear understanding of each other's goals. 

... people exaggerate their experience and position in the scene...

Checking that the person you’re asking to play with is skilled in the area you’re asking for is protecting yourself. For instance, I can play Top and Bottom with impact play, I am pretty confident in my skills in this area. Despite this I will always be open to new advice and instruction, I can always learn more. But if somebody wanted me to do needles or any medical type play on them, I would have to say no. I know I have no skills or much knowledge in that area, I am not going to say I know something I don’t just to get involved in a play. This kind of behaviour could hurt someone badly and that is the last thing I want. Some people just want to play and make themselves look like they know everything and can do anything and everything. These people are dangerous, don’t be their crash test dummy.

What if the mechanic told you they also have a Law Degree with honours, have won numerous cases and can easily trial your case? Would you believe and take them at their word? Would you want to see their degree, see proof of the cases that they have won before? This is something that can happen in the scene quite often, people exaggerate their experience and position in the scene to make themselves look/feel better and to gain new/young/naive play partners, then later you realise they don’t know what they’re doing, but no you're injured and maybe heartbroken.

Never feel the need to be sexual with anybody you don’t want to be sexual with.

I was young and naive once; was taken advantage of when I first joined the scene, all because I was too trusting, I believed what people told me at face value, when they said ‘I have a lot of experience with impact play’ etc. I believed them. When I should have said okay, 'I would like to watch you play and see if it’s true first.’ When they said ‘I am highly knowledgeable and respected in the scene and at a prominent level within the scene.’ I should have asked others and verified this, instead of blindly accepting who they told me to believe.

My point is to believe in yourself and when you don’t know something reach out to verify it with other people you do trust. If you don’t know who you can be sure of or don't know many people yet, ask as many people as you can find. For those who want to play across numerous different styles or types of play, you will need to make trusted connections with more than one person. Not all or any of these connections must be sexual either. Never feel the need to be sexual with anybody you don’t want to be sexual with. Never do anything you don't feel comfortable with just to be accepted by anyone. Like any friendship or relationship dynamic, it takes time to learn what each other wants and is capable of. Sooner or later you will find your people and that’s what the scene is all about.

What everyone should do with trust - build it, earn it, make others earn yours, be trustworthy, and remember that you are enough.