Some see open relationships and swinging as the holy grail of sexual expression. There is cultural pressure in some spaces to engage in threesomes and eschew the bonds of traditional matrimony. Whilst this sexual practice has been around for decades and is prevalent amongst many gay communities, we still have difficulty understanding how this dynamic can work. We still have difficulty communicating what this looks like in practice, and how to navigate it as a couple. Rest assured, it is normal and possible for healthy relationships to exist without the the standards that monogamy demands, read on for my top 10 tips to explore open relationships in a healthy way.

1 - Open relationships and polyamory are different things.

ENM = Ethical Non Monogamy, basically that you are in a relationship where you have the ability to also connect with other people either physically, emotionally, or both. Each relationship dynamic is different and is bound by different rules. Ethical Non Monogamy is an umbrella term that includes, but is not limited to: swinging, open relationships, threesomes, polyamory, and polygamy. This is the distinction between cheating and ENM, with cheating it is deceptive behaviour, there is no opportunity to communicate wants, needs and boundaries. ENM is about honesty, boundaries and consistent communication.

2 - Opening up your sex life/relationship is not a cure-all for relationship problems.

Many people think that giving a partner a “hall pass” or engaging in a threesome will fix the cracks in their relationship. Much like having a baby to fix a relationship, this will only make things worse by adding new problems to the situation. Since the basis of ENM and open relationships is honest communication, that is where the process needs to start. Working through the problems in a relationship first is important to create a solid base to start exploring new experiences. Once both partners are comfortable and confident, then exploring open relationship dynamics can begin.

3 - Agree to a set of boundaries or rules beforehand.

Before anyone even considers another partner for sexual or romantic needs, there needs to be thorough conversations around boundaries and expectations. Some couples only want to swing together, some couples agree to have full romantic relationships with different people simultaneously, and other couples agree to physical connections with others where there is no emotional connection. What works for each dynamic is unique, one couple’s agreement might be that each partner can have safe sex with others. Another couple might agree that they can enjoy themselves at swinger’s club events, and at no other time. The only hard and fast rule with any kind of Ethical Non-Monogamy is that you must agree to, and stick to, a set of rules.

4 - Fantasy and reality are different.

For some the fantasy of a threesome is thrilling and communicating that through dirty talk is exciting for them. Does this mean that ENM is something these people should explore, not necessarily. Fantasy and reality are two different things, expecting them to match is setting yourself up for failure. When working out whether to pursue a fantasy it is important to communicate wants, needs, insecurities and boundaries. The conversations around these things can help inform whether your relationship is in a healthy place to add a new sexual dynamic. Maybe one or both of you enjoy the dirty talk or fantasy but are not emotionally prepared for any kind of open relationship, that is fine and normal too.

5 - Get tested before starting and regularly get tested while sexually active with different partners.

Approximately 16% of Australians have had an STI in their lifetime. There are concerns amongst Australian researchers that we aren’t testing ourselves regularly enough and that most cases of chlamydia and gonorrhoea go undiagnosed and untreated. Everyone who is sexually active and has not been tested, should be tested at the earliest opportunity.

This is not about feelings or ego, this point is about your health.

6 - You and your partner can change your mind at any time.

With any dynamic within a relationship, being open to change is healthy, and if something is not working in a relationship then it is important to be open to change. Respect is the core value of all relationships regardless of whether they practice open sexual dynamics or not. In healthy, respectful relationships things are always open for communication to suit the wants and needs of both partners. If an agreement cannot be reached or honoured, that breaks the boundaries of ethical non-monogamy.

7 - Consider couples therapy as a support network to guide you.

Not because open relationships indicate a problem, but rather than every relationship can benefit from extra support. Before getting married couples are encouraged to do premarital counselling to make sure both sides are entering the union with compatible goals and expectations. The same logic applies here as well, checking in on the health of the relationship and setting out expectations together. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, ENM and really any relationship only works with honesty and trust.

8 - Jealousy can and will happen.

Feelings are normal so it might seem that communication seems like a buzzword for relationships. But really the only way for any progress in any relationship is to work out what supports you both and what hurts each of you. The only way to overcome jealousy is to talk about it, because sometimes what you are jealous about is only partially rooted in reality. Sometimes we misunderstand things or react hastily in the moment, the only way to understand and move forward is to talk about things honestly.

9 - Agree on how you will communicate about this to each other and to other people.

Maybe you don’t want friends and family to know, maybe you feel comfortable letting everyone know. Whatever the case, all partners need to agree how things will or will not be discussed. There is no right or wrong answer, every dynamic will have its own version of what works and what needs to change.

10 - Opening a relationship does not mean giving up on it,

Rather than giving up on it, open relationships mean having regular check ins and adapting practices based on mutual feedback. For some relationships opening up is a death knell, but not because of the non-monogamy. Rather that these doomed relationships are damaged by dishonesty and a refusal to adapt to the needs of both partners. All partnerships require care and attention, but a newly developing non-monogamous partnership will require ongoing check-ins and communication.

My closing piece of advice is that if you and your partner are curious about any form of ENM then it would be worth doing two things. Firstly, make an appointment with a psychologist who has experience with this kind of topic. As mentioned in point 7, this is a maintenance check, not an indication of a problem.  The second piece of advice I have is to venture to one of your local swinger's clubs to meet other people who are on an ENM journey. Unicorn hunting has been a popular, if not divisive, topic of discussion recently. By connecting with your local sex-positive community, they can help guide you to a more positive experience. Whatever your journey looks like, communicate, be safe, and have fun.