Ask most women in the world who've tried online dating and you'll see a clear theme. Men can be jerks. 

*Editor's note: This article is written through the lens of a cisgender male. The scope and content of the article is applicable to all people, regardless of gender. 

Now, women aren't saints. But – perhaps through virtue of the expectations and behaviours society engenders in women – they tend to be better behaved and more considerate in social interactions, and dating apps (like all online discussion) tends to bring the worst out in people. And because men are more likely to be brash, cocky, entitled and aggressive, it tends to highlight those personality traits even more.

Ask 10 female friends you know who've tried online dating and dating apps and you can be pretty sure 10 of them have come up against jerks. That's great news for you. Why? Not being a jerk on dating apps gives you a wide open field full of untapped potential that will put you ahead of 95 percent of the competition potential partners are fielding. According to Lucius, a male escort based in Sydney; "[My clients] are incredible women who aren't demanding or high-maintenance, but what stands out is the consistency of their (bad) experiences." That makes it even easier for you to stand out – the jerks are all doing the same things wrong!

So how do you get it right?

The male brain

It's no secret that many women are more confident and comfortable dealing with the messy, intangible properties of communication and relationships. Men are generally more spatial, mathematical and process-based animals who understand and appreciate absolute concepts and consistent systems. That's totally unverified coffee table psychology (and a professional psychotherapist might disagree), by the way, but something has to account for the way so many men approach online dating like a game to be won – and yes, often it is indeed about outshining the competition as much as the end result, the accomplishment versus the journey.

"[Many men] use a 'template-like' appearance in their approach, as if it's purely a statistical or numbers game," Lucius says. "Some – sometimes obviously - also appear not to have even read the woman's written profile." He also says a lot of blokes don't realise online dating isn't speed dating. "Despite the efficiency and convenience the online platforms bring to the game, we can actually take our time." Owing to the way a lot of men want to get to the win (often bed) quickly, it's no wonder they take a shotgun approach – sowing as many seeds as they can to see if any grow, often using the same overture to countless potential matches.

Melbourne-based teacher Lisa, now in her late 50s, agrees, cautioning against what she calls behaving like a kid in a lolly shop. Struggling to choose between all the 'options' and therefore having one of each' is what she calls it. "I've encountered men who turned out to be seeing two or three others at the same time they were getting to know me. One even said over our first coffee date 'Well I still have one more woman to meet before I choose between you'."

About a girl

Needless to say, so far we're talking about guys who are only interested in one thing – no, not that; they're only interested in themselves. They're in it for what they can get out of any woman they can convince of their worth as a potential boyfriend or hook-up and that's about it. The identity of the woman is almost immaterial, the dates and meetings (as Lisa's experience shows) interchangeable.

The first advantage you have is the opportunity to show a sincere appreciation for what's unique about her. A conversation starter might be something in her profile you've realised you have in common. Maybe she's taken her picture in a location you've been to and have a good memory or funny story about. Or here's an even bigger no brainer; use her name. She'll immediately know you're interested in and have noticed her, and you'll cut in line in front of a hundred guys who open with a corny pickup line or 'hey'.

But remember, once you have the conversation going and the rapport is good, that's not a signal to stop and spring a corny line on her, either. Ask about her, her work, her interests and her family. Psychologically we're all our own favourite subject, and the surest way to leave anyone a good feeling about a conversation with you – man or woman – is to get them to talk about themselves. "It's about them," says Brad Johnson, founder of Zero Nonsense Dating, "showcasing genuine interest in the person behind the profile rather than pursuing a superficial connection. This includes respectful and engaging conversation starters and active listening."

Feeling sexy

We all know sex appeal is one of the surest ways to hook interest on a dating app because it's one of our most powerful weapons in the mating market overall. Like all cliches, the ones about how we do actually judge a book by its cover and how a picture is worth a thousand words are only cliches because they're true.

So how do you appear sexy and intriguing, especially in just a picture, and then – if the conversation might turn flirtatious – doing so without being creepy or a jerk? "Unfortunately, much as it's admirable to put real effort into trying to come across as sexy or intriguing, 'sexy' and 'intrigue' mean different things to different people," says Lucius. Instead, he offers that hoary old trope; be yourself. But, he adds, that's not as easy as it seems – especially when you're thinking about all the younger, hotter, taller, richer, washboard abs-ier guys you're up against. "Yes, it sounds disgustingly simple and obvious. But let's be real, how many of us struggle to get being ourselves right? Most of us.

"The funny thing is, because it sounds so simple it's mostly brushed off. No one wants to admit they aren't comfortable with themselves, yet that confidence and self-awareness is what women find sexy and intriguing. Ironic that very same lack of self-awareness is often why men keep ignoring the fundamentals and ending up acting like jerks on dating apps." And while we're on the subject of trying to appear sexy by presenting yourself as being younger than you are... just don't. "Age matters, especially when you're part of an older dating demographic," says Lisa. "If you're willing to lie about your age what else are you willing to lie about? Your marital status?"

Take it on the chin

Fortunately the tendency of online dating to turn men into jerks is something the dating apps themselves are aware of, and some of them are doing something about it.

On Tinder, you can find the School of Swipe, about which it says; 'With all the sliding, matching, ghosting, thirsting and so much more that goes in on the world of dating, there's a new lesson around every corner. Get ahead of the curve and level up your skills so that you're fully prepped to hit up that cutie'. And it's quite telling one of their most prominent lessons is about how to handle rejection, because a lot of men – maybe high achievers used to getting what they want (or men who wish they were) – come across as entitled, turning into tantrum-throwing toddlers when they don't get their way. It's something a heartbreakingly high number of women have experienced on dating apps when they try to respectfully but frankly say they're not interested, and in some cases it can turn ugly, even frightening. "Don't be aggro or stalker-ish if someone decides you're not for them," Lisa says. "I've had men send me threatening emails after I've said I didn't want to see them anymore, and one even gained access to my Facebook account and sent dodgy messages to my friends."

Another lesson in Tinder's suggestions also relates to the above point about the scattergun approach, throwing contact requests everywhere in the hope something sticks. It's true the intended endpoint for many of us on dating apps is the bedroom/nightclub loo/back seat, but (just like they often do in real life), a lot of blokes consider online dating a sprint to close the deal and try to turn things intimate and familiar too quickly. As Tinder's Swipe School says; 'If someone's just finished telling you about their European holiday, it's not a good time to mention your kinks. Likewise, if you're on a first date eating hot dogs, it's best to save the sausage-and-bun jokes for another outing.' Worse still, if the woman you've been flirting with is starting to enjoy your messages and becoming more intrigued by you, getting too explicit will derail the train harder than if she wasn't very interested to begin with. It's the text-based equivalent of a dick pic, and no woman is impressed by those.

Confidence trickster

Maybe the biggest trap waiting for you is your own awareness that women love confidence, whether in person or on your online dating profile. Most women do, but many men have a very different idea of what confidence is and fake it altogether too far. "Navigating dating apps takes a blend of respect, authenticity and a touch of charisma. From my experience, the key to striking the right balance lies in understanding the fine line between confidence and arrogance," Johnson says. Most of all, look at your words and behaviour. Would you speak to or behave around anyone – much less a lady you're trying to impress – with arrogance, false swagger, disinterest (beyond what they can do for you) or impatience if they were sitting right there in front of you IRL? "Just try to be kind," Lisa says, offering a pretty perfect summing up. "Everyone is making themselves vulnerable and putting themselves forward on these websites in their search for loving companionship. Many people have been through really rough emotional times and behaviours like ghosting, lying, unwanted sexting or just insensitive comments can make the experience of online dating really emotionally bruising."

Last and certainly not least in our privacy - and consent - aware times, there can be real legal consequences if you're a jerk on dating apps, and with good reason. Threats, stalking, revenge porn, harassment and many other behaviours we see men use online (and IRL, sadly) are flat-out illegal. In 2022 the Australian Institute of Criminology found that almost three quarters of Aussies have experienced online sexual harassment, aggression or violence by someone they met through online dating, including continual contact after telling someone they weren't interested, being sent unwanted sexually explicit messages or pressured to send one themselves, being threatened or having photos or videos taken of them without their consent.

Not everybody is going to click with you and nobody owes you contact or attention. We all have the right to have our morals and boundaries respected, and nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Remember that applies to anybody you talk to through an online dating app, have fun, and enjoy the spoils of being one of the few guys on there who isn't being a jerk.