Libido is extremely complex and affected by environmental factors! Relationship dynamics, mental health and wellbeing, sexual satisfaction and pleasure, external stressors and even medications, the list goes on…

So we have discussed our pleasure, we have set our boundaries, and we have been flirting like crazy!! (see Communication) We both want to have sex but it’s just not working! Yup, this is the next phase of fixing your libido… step 4: Prioritising sex and pleasure!

Step 4; Prioritising sex and pleasure

means different things to different people but the one thing it means to everyone is having sex and enjoying it! Sometimes you just have to push past the excuses and get things happening!

One of the biggest barriers to actually having sex is worrying about it not being worth the time. This comes from a preconceived notion that if you don’t cum then it wasn’t fun, and this is so wrong, even if it rhymes, and a big part of the problem when it comes to poor libidos!

I’m going to say something pretty controversial, so I want you to take a deep breath and prepare yourself! Good sex doesn’t always end in climax for everyone involved, in fact, it might not end in climax for anyone, and that is 100% ok! If it was fun, guess what, you had sex! And you had fun! Your partner did that thing you always wanted them to do (because we did step one) and it was good! And you didn’t have to do that thing you don’t like doing (because of step 2) and that made you feel safer and more comfortable!

This is what we call Pleasure Focused Sex 

(PFS) and it’s so much better than its common counterpart Climax Focused Sex (CFS). When you focus on the pleasure you are both experiencing then sex is able to build a better connection between you and your partner because you are in the moment together focusing on each other’s pleasure, and I can promise you this level of connection is going to make your relationship and your sex life SOOOOO much better!

But how do we get here?

Well, some people hate scheduling sex and I can totally understand that. However, we know that there are two main types of sexual energy; Spontaneous Sexual Desire (SSD) and Responsive Sexual Desire (RSD) this is a whole other topic on its own but basically, most relationships start off with heaps of SSD but over time that starts to dwindle and RSD is supposed to kick in. RSD is the bread and butter of long-term relationships, and in a nutshell, it means you have to at least try to want to have sex in order to actually have more sex.

A lot of people think that just because they look at their partner and don’t get wet/hard with just the sight of them that they are no longer sexually attracted to that person.

This is super normal and it happens to pretty much everyone, so don’t get too worried. Just give your partner a little kiss on the neck and see where things take you!

Scheduling Sex??

That being said, you might actually want to set time aside for sex! Give it a name and put it in the calendar,

so when the notification comes up, no matter where you are or what you are doing, run to your partner in slomo like they do in the movies and strip your clothes off and have sex right there and then.

You never know it might be fun? Or you can do it the other way by setting up a date night, catch an uber so you can drink a little too much and see where the night takes!

Planned date nights work and making them a part of your routine shows your partner that you care and prioritise spending time with them, this is sexy and a great lead up to sex! Just remember that date night is something that you need to make a priority and it can be as simple as cooking for each other, getting take out and watching a movie in your undies or a walk on a beach.

It doesn’t have to be expensive and it doesn’t even have to happen every week. But it has to be consistent and it should be special in some way!

Masturbation

Another way to help increase your libido, and prioritise your own pleasure is masturbation! This might sound a bit counterintuitive however masturbation can increase your libido as long as it’s not replacing sex with your partner. We have an informative article on masturbation here. The long and short of it is that if you aren’t masturbating it’s a good way to boost your self-esteem and increase your libido!

So what have we learned;

We have learned that communicating our pleasure increases real-time sexual pleasure and therefore desire.

We have learned that communicating our sexual boundaries removes awkward moments and unrealistic expectations making sex more pleasurable and increasing desire.

We have learned that Flirting is something that we can do long into a relationship and is in fact integral to increasing sexual energy and anticipation which makes sex more pleasurable, thus increasing desire.

And lastly, we have learned that sometimes you’ve just got to shift your focus onto wanting to have sex and showing your partner that you prioritise them and their pleasure, to ideally increase an overall desire for each other!