Fat and Intimacy Through the Eyes of a Sex Worker
Please note that the following views and opinions are based on my own lived experience of being a sex worker and does not reflect the experiences of all sex workers.
When you tell someone to imagine a sex worker, the images that people conjure up are very different. Athletic strippers, immaculate escorts, petite masseuses and corset bound mistresses, but the one thing these images will all have in common is that no one imagines them as fat. There is a perception of the sex industry that the general population has and it doesn’t include stretch marks, cellulite, folds and jiggly bits… in other words, it doesn’t include me.
Media certainly doesn’t help to dispel these ideals, with shows like Satisfaction and Secret Diary of a Call Girl employing a cast of socially acceptable beauty.
Fat is something relegated to the “fetish” corners of the industry for niche perverts and the plus-size butt of a bucks night joke, too taboo for the mainstream.
So when I decided to take my first step into commercial sex work, for reasons that are my own and not the point of this story; I did so not knowing if there was a place for me, without an example or role model to emulate. “Who was going to want to pay to spend time with me?” Luckily, the massage parlour I began working with was body positive and believed every “body” is beautiful. A view I later discovered wasn’t shared by all parlours across the industry. But just because my employers and fellow workers embraced me, doesn’t mean the clients would.
The clients, generally men, come in looking for a fantasy. They want what they don’t have or can’t get in the real world. Their idea of the unobtainable, usually the socially acceptable depiction of beauty; young, thin and busty. That doesn’t mean anyone who falls outside of that stereotype wasn’t desirable.
However, I soon discovered the square of “undesirability.”
Four attributes that, on their own wasn’t an issue, But the more attributes you embodied, the harder it was for you to get work. I had all 4; age, alternative style, tattoos and excessive weight.
Quite often a worker’s weight would be a measure of their attractiveness and value. One situation comes to mind when a client asked if they can have a discount if they pick the “fat one”… Why would I put myself through this? Frankly, I had bills to pay and it honestly was no less offensive than what I heard while working in hospitality. I developed a thick skin pretty quickly and enjoyed a better work-life balance.
There was a silver lining, I was able to flip my perspective and realised that when a client did choose to be with me it was a genuine desire.
I may not be everyone’s cup of tea but I was someones! From that realisation, I was able to realise my own strengths and self-confidence and confidence is sexy!
With time and experience, I learnt a lot by observing client behaviour and patterns. Quite often groups of guys would come in together. If you put them all in the same room together to meet the workers, they would all pick the same type of worker. However, if you separated the group so they were able to choose without the influence, or more likely, the judgement of their peers, they would be more authentic with who they wanted to see.
This gave me the understanding that my greatest barrier wasn’t actually me and what I looked like, it was shame and internalised stigma that others felt for acknowledging they are attracted to someone like me.
Armed with this understanding I was able to adapt the way I worked and engaged with clients.
No longer was I going to make the sexual act the sole focus of our time together but rather act as the role model I never had and show through our connection that fat isn’t something to fear or be ashamed of.
Look at me stand proud in my naked skin. Feel how soft I am to touch and how warm my arms are to lay in. Feel the pressure of my body against yours and how all our curves interlock.
There are few things more rewarding to me as a sex worker than seeing the influence moment of intimate connection between 2 people has to start breaking down the inner walls and shame we all carry and to watch that person leave with a renewed sense of humanity. This is the power my fat body holds.
