So we have discussed our pleasure, we have set our boundaries, and we have been flirting like crazy!! (see Communication). We have started prioritising pleasure and have set up a date night (See Prioritising Pleasure). Whats next? Knowing Your Sexual Energy Type!!

Understanding different types of sexual energy:

Sometimes we find ourselves in what is commonly referred to as a rut. Sexual ruts can be caused by a number of things, including but not limited to: unaddressed relationship issues, health factors, stress and mental health issues, work life balance, and all too often, incompatible sex drives.

One thing that I want to stress before I continue is that if your sex drive is low that’s ok! In fact, if you are happy with the amount of sex you are having then you are having enough sex!

That being said, maybe your partner is unhappy with the frequency at which you and they get sexually intimate, this can cause issues and in some cases can turn into a really toxic relationship based on coercion, guilt and sexual manipulation.

Avoiding this isn’t too difficult, the one thing that’s worth mentioning is that if you don’t feel safe around your partner you need to get the hell out of that relationship, there are resources for people that feel like they are in this situation and they include 1800RESPECT and LIFELINE! Sarah discusses this more in her article “an open letter about sexual assault” which is worth a read!

One important piece of information you can arm yourself with in the fight against your sexual rut is understanding the two main types of sexual energy or desire:

Spontaneous Desire

SSD is fairly straight forward, you look at your partner and go wow I really want to have sex with this person and then you initiate the complex and finely tuned process of ripping each other’s clothes off and going at it like rabbits until you realise that, wait, this is your second cousins wedding and you should really wait until you get home otherwise your Nana might not feel the same way about inviting you over for lunch next week! This is where the mind becomes mentally interested in sex before the body does.

Responsive Desire

RSD is more like when you get into bed after a long day and give your partner a kiss goodnight and that kiss goes for a little longer than usual, the next thing you know your bodies move closer together and you can feel each other getting more and more turned on and it’s at that point you think, wow I really want to have sex with this person and then you initiate the complex and finely tuned process of ripping each other’s clothes off and going at it like rabbits. Except this time you are already in bed and not at your cousins wedding and everything is ok! I know that was a very strange analogy, but I think I got my point across! This is where the body becomes physically interested in sex before the mind does.

Its Responsive Sexual Energy that keeps libidos in long term relationships alive and it’s something that everyone should work on! Keep in mind, it’s still a spectrum, and you and your partner/s might be on opposite ends of that spectrum, or one or both of you may fluctuate across it throughout your relationship. Knowing where you and your lover are at is going to make things easier for prioritising sex, have a read of our article on communication and practise step one to find out if you are an SSD or an RSD type! 

More on Prioritizing sex here.

There is no better way to be when it comes to sex, what you like is valid and important, however we find having an open discussion and prioritising sexual pleasure is a really good way to get back into the swing of things and help improve your Libido!