BDSM is basically a power exchange between two consenting adults, involving role play, bondage, implements and different dynamics. It is about being yourself and not having to hide who you are and what you are into like some people have to in their everyday lives. How To Understand Consent In BDSM

BDSM is quite often misconstrued and misunderstood and some of the community at large has a lot of prejudices because of this. There is a lack of information around for the everyday Joe, causing poor understanding and misconceptions of what we like, want, do and who we are as people. so let’s continue our discussion on our intro to BDSM with consent and terminology!

LEVELS OF CONSENT

Implied consent 

is a controversial form of consent. It is not expressly granted by a person, but rather inferred from a person’s actions and in some cases, by a person’s silence or inaction.

An example of this is somebody flirting with you and you taking that as consent to touch them. This is implied but not expressly stated. Best Practices is to avoid instances of implied consent.

Express consent is clearly and unmistakably stated, rather than implied.
It may be given in writing, verbally, or non-verbally, e.g. by a clear gesture such as a nod. Please note that verbal and non-verbal consent while given, can be contested later on if somebody disagrees later on.

Informed consent 

Is the consent given with a clear understanding of the facts, implications, and repercussions of an action or activity? This is best in all BDSM plays; by all involved in the play tops and bottoms.
Understanding what is going to happen, how it will happen and how to do said activity is best for all involved.

Enthusiastic consent

is somebody actively and eagerly stating their willingness and wanting to participate in an activity. An example of this is “Hell yeah, that sounds great. Yes Please.”

Contracted consent 

this type of consent normally comes in the later stages of BDSM relationships. Normally 24/7 relationships and/or slave-master relationships. This is a formal contract between people evolved in a relationship, this states activity these people consent to participating in. This type of contract is normally instated when participants are involved in heavier types of play, with higher stakes involved.

Consent violations

Violating consent is very serious. Violation of consent can happen simply be touching somebody or somebodies property without asking or it can be as serious as rape or inflicting a type of play somebody doesn’t want to be involved in.

SAFE WORDS

Most of us have heard of safewords either from movies, books or other people. Safewords are an easy way to alert somebody during a play that you are close to or at your limit of what you can and want to take. It is also a way to alert them if something has gone wrong and they need to stop right now.

Some people make up their own safe words like PINEAPPLE or HIPOPOTOMOUS. This can work within a monogamous relationship as you will know each other and only be playing with each other. But a common safe word system used in the BDSM scene is the stoplight system. This is common as it is universal. Everybody knows it in the scene and everybody knows the meaning of stoplight colours.

Red indicates a full stop of all activity and that the scene is at an end.

Yellow indicates slow down and give me a moment to deal with what just happened. It could also indicate the Bottom needing a change of pace or intensity. If your Bottom calls Yellow it is best to just check-in and ask what they need.

Green indicates GO! Give me more!. Many dominants prefer not to use green as they prefer to set and control the pace of the scene.

It works best to set Green until Yellow or Red is said. The more you play with one person the Top will learn the Bottom's limits and expectations from play. The Top will also learn the Bottom's body language and verbal communication during a play will be less needed.

FIRST TIMERS

When you first come into the scene everything is new and exciting. Some people have a habit of getting a “child in a lolly factory” kind of mentality. It is important to take your time, the activities aren’t going anywhere. It’s better to know what is going on, what to expect and build yourself up; rather than jump in head first and get injured and/or get scared off and leave the scene.

BASIC INFORMATION

Research Research Research.

If you are unsure of something or want to know more DO SOME RESEARCH. ASK QUESTIONS.

It is better to ask a silly question than to hurt yourself or somebody else. In the scene, there is a wealth of information at hand. We are lucky that we live in a time where BDSM isn’t quite as underground as it used to be. This means there are events where you can meet people, talk to them and learn from them (check out Part 3 of this blog for more information about meetups and local BDSM communities).

There are also some institutions where you can learn some basic skills and gain information. One of the best resources is your peers in the scene. People who have made mistakes themselves, who have played before and a willingness to pass on any knowledge they have. Never stop learning, nobody knows everything and things always evolve and change.

BASIC GLOSSARY OF TERMS

VANILLA – Vanilla is a word used to refer to people, locations or activities that are not kink or BDSM related. People who are not involved in the kink community, a normal club not a BDSM club, an activity that doesn’t include kink or BDSM. 

MUNCH – A munch is an event where BDSM/Kink-minded people can meet in a vanilla setting and get to know each other. Usually held in a restaurant over a meal, like-minded people talk about experiences, information, likes, dislikes, their everyday lives and more.

TOP – Top is a generic term for a person that identifies as having dominant traits. Also, the Person “doing the action” (in contrast with the bottom – the person receiving the action). Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who “puts the scene together”. A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case, the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).

BOTTOM – The one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one it’s done to rather than the do-er. Also a generic term for people with submissive traits.

BONDAGE – Bondage is the act of tying up a person or a person's body part. This can be in the bedroom or in a non-sexual play scene. Often misinterpreted as only being in the bedroom, it is also an art form that originated in Japan thousands of years ago (shibari).

COLLARED – A submissive, Slave, Pet or any bottom may wear a collar to indicate that they are owned by their dominant partner in the scene. There are lots of different types of collars signifying different levels of relationships in the scene.

CONSENT – Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.

DM – Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules – essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event.

DOMINANT – A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive. This has various sub-names including Dom, Top, Domme, Dominatrix etc.

24/7– A relationship whose protocols are in place continuously.

AFTERCARE – The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, relax and bring their headspace back into the room. BDSM often involves an endorphins high and very intense experiences, aftercare is sometimes needed to prevent sub drop as things return to normal. In some BDSM relationships, such as D/s, aftercare may involve the Dominant caring for the submissive if physical pain was inflicted and/or cuddles, having a drink or even just being there.

DROP– A feeling of feeling down that can happen after a kinky scene/ play or party. Usually caused by the end of a play scene when the endorphin levels produced drop. This is temporary, just keep reminding yourself that; sugary drinks, lollies, chocolate and positive reinforcement can help drop to end sooner and stabilise your endorphins faster. This can happen to kinksters of any role. More commonly known as sub-drop but there are tops that drop too

D/S– A shortening for Dominance/submission.

HARD LIMITS – An activity somebody will not do; this is non-negotiable. This can be for many reasons, but should always be respected.

SOFT LIMITS – Something somebody is hesitant to try, this is something they might only want to do with certain people with experience in the area. They may want a trial to see if it is for them or not. It is recommended you research, ask questions and/or get training in the topic before engaging in the activity. All parties involved need to be informed about the activity.

SUBSPACE – Not to be confused with sub drop. Subspace is a natural high some submissives sometimes get due to an endorphin peak. This may result in the submissive becoming non-verbal and/or feeling a separation from their body and what is happening around them. It is the responsibility of the dominant to be aware of this and look out for the subs well being during this time.

SWITCH– A person who identifies as having submissive and dominant traits.

HIGH PROTOCOL – This refers to people who adhere to strict rules and roles. Generally but not limited to, use at particular events and 24/7 relationships

LOW PROTOCOL – used at less formal events and more relaxed individuals and groups.

This is only a basic list of terms you might hear at the beginning of your journey. There are more terms and information you will learn along the way.