At the end of 2019, I wasn’t in the best place mentally, I’m not going to discuss the specifics here of any event or experience. At the time a lot was happening within the BDSM scene, and within my family life, which culminated in me deciding to take a break. It felt important to prioritise myself and look after my own well being ahead of my want to be a part of the scene.

Then the pandemic hit and the world shut down, including BDSM and swinging events. As an immunocompromised person I was very cautious about returning to events and waited for the events to pick up a bit more before taking steps back in. Because of all this, my six-month break became two and a half years. Many people chose to take a break from events, the pandemic reduced people's engagement with the social aspect of BDSM. The scene, and its players, needed time and fewer restrictions before it could come back to life. This time away was good for me, it was a time of learning about myself, what I wanted and needed, a time to find strength inside myself. My self-confidence grew and I was inspired to learn more about BDSM and the BDSM play types I am interested in.

Joining the scene just before I turned 21, I had no knowledge of the community or its players, and as it turned out, little knowledge of how to protect myself. Like many people of the same age I was still learning about myself in the world, let alone in the smaller BDSM community. Because of this, I made mistakes, I was taken advantage of, and more. Now it is easier to reflect on this with the lens of experience, but at the time it was difficult and painful. This experience has set the stage for who I am now, and what I want to do within the BDSM scene.

The pandemic started to wind down, restrictions started to end meaning that parties, munches and events all started to return slowly. I was 28 now, I knew more about the world and what I wanted to be. So off I went into the events again, eager and curious about what I might find.

Surprisingly 80% of the people I knew before weren’t around anymore, or at least weren’t active in the BDSM scene. This meant meeting new people, making new friends and guiding myself to what I wanted to do. This was not without mistakes, we all make them and should learn from them. Maybe because I was older, maybe because I was more knowledgeable, either way I felt more respected amongst other players this time. Some of it could have been the dispersal of the 50 Shades of Grey fandom, removing the players who were only looking for their Christian Grey.

This respect has made me feel more in tune with what I want and more confident in trusting myself. Because of these changes I have been able to make some really good friends, staying longer at events, playing the way I want to play. This confidence and self-trust has taken me a long way and feels incredible.

For me, leaving and coming back has been a time of great personal development. Leaving allowed me time to learn about myself and to reconnect with what I wanted from scene. Returning has reaffirmed that the BDSM scene is still something I want in my life. During the pandemic I felt the loss of my community, felt that there was a part missing from me. BDSM is not just a side hobby, it is an integral part of who I am, and my life is fuller for having this connection.