The Reality of Postpartum Recovery

Lets face it sex after childbirth is possibly the last thing on our minds, After having a baby, your body and brain are alien spaces, recovering from developing an adorable parasite. Birth should be the end of the pain, instead it’s the start of an infant dominated, chaotic time-warp. A time which is so loving and gentle is also so painful and tense, when you want to be focused on growing and healing, the conversation around when you will be ready to have sex again is ever present. This might seem shocking, but have a look on social media, how many jokes exist about dads waiting for 6 weeks after the baby is born?

Why 6 Weeks Isn’t a Magic Number

Technically you can have sex 6 weeks after birth. However being ready for sex after childbirth isn't about timelines its about healing and emotional readiness. An often cited 2000 study found that 89% of women had returned to some level of sexual activity within 6 months of giving birth. What is often missed in this reporting is the 64% of women reporting less sexual satisfaction 6 months post birth.

What Stops Intimacy?

As a new parent, especially as a new mother, your entire world is flipped on its axis. You don’t get to sleep when you want or need to, showers become a luxury and washing your hair is reserved for special occasions. Skin care and shaving your legs? A fond memory. Most days it becomes difficult to remember what you last ate, with everything from exhaustion to pelvic trauma, sex after childbirth can feel like an impossible ask. meanwhile keeping on top of a household and a relationship whilst trying to manage the needs of a helpless, tiny human becomes overwhelming. 

Often times each parent is focused on different worries, one on the financial needs of the family and the other on the logistics of caring for the family. This is all before considering the trauma of birth, the mental and emotional changes of becoming a parent, breastfeeding, or the complications things like Post Natal Depression can add.

Physical Health Factors

Being real here, in heterosexual marriages it is often easier for the man to return to a sexual rhythm because their journey is mental and emotional. For a mother she either delivers a baby vaginally and has to recover from that (sometimes with vaginal stitches), or a c-section delivery which involves cutting through 7 layers of tissue whilst being awake followed by weeks of wound dressing and blood thinner injections. 

The Pelvic Floor Of It All

For all mothers detaching the placenta leaves a wound approximately the size of a dinner plate inside the uterus, hence the 6 weeks of bleeding post birth. This is why they advise no sex for 6 weeks, to allow the internal wounds to heal and to reduce the chances of infection. Most women reportedly pee themselves at least once in the first few weeks, this author included. Why does this happen? Because pregnancy and childbirth wreak havoc on a woman’s pelvic floor. Next up, breastfeeding, which can be painful, and the engorgement of milk in the breasts is a constant physical cycle. All of these changes add layers of complexity to reigniting sex after childbirth.

Mental Load and Household Dynamics

Those are just the health related points, not considering caring for the baby, cooking meals and looking after the house. How many people would be feeling sexy and ready for intimacy in that physical condition? Caring for a baby is physically and mentally exhausting, let alone trying to find the energy to feel sexy while your body feels like a foreign war zone.

How Do You Reignite Intimacy?

Connection Before Sex

Sex after childbirth looks different for every couple... Maybe sex is how you ended up with a baby, though not true for everyone, reconnecting as sexual beings after a baby is different. Expecting your sex life to “bounce back” is as ridiculous as expecting a woman’s body to “bounce back”. Being parents means learning to be new people and learning to manage life with new priorities. For some couples reconnecting sexually is important early on in their parenting journey, for other couples it can take years. Being physically and mentally ready for sex is a process.

Basic Needs First

Connection starts with both parents feeling like they are being taken care of, feeling loved, getting regular meals (even semi regular meals will make most new parents elated), the opportunity to shower, having a clean house. These things might seem redundant, but for most new parents they are the start of alleviating non-baby stress. Creating space for relaxation and care is a foundational step to reigniting sex after childbirth If you want to be relaxed to enjoy some baby making practice, then start with the basics. 

Reclaiming Identity Outside of Parenting

When the basics are taken care of, space can be made for connecting as a couple. This might be a good time to remind people that, for new mothers, getting back to basics includes finding things that make her feel happy outside of the baby. Before baby did she go to the gym, get her nails done, go to craft markets? New fathers often don’t struggle as much with losing hobbies and friends, meaning their metaphorical “cups” are more full. Reconnecting to hobbies or habits that were enjoyed pre-baby can be a great way to prime the brain for other “fun”.

Get Help

Whether it’s a sex therapist, couples therapist, pelvic floor physio, even a cleaner or a meal service for a while. Whatever your problem, a solution exists. These tools are essential when reigniting sex after childbirth seem out of reach. 

Tools, Not Permanent Solutions

These services aren’t permanent, ongoing costs, they’re tools that can help create space for both parents to adjust to life within the new family dynamic. This is important because if your goal is to get back between the sheets, then making sure both parents are coping is the first step. For new fathers, this could be a good time to invest in a new sex toy or two for themselves. Help comes in many forms.

Acknowledging Emotional Needs

I would like to acknowledge that for a millennia this is not how we approached getting back into the bedroom after children. Many people experience emotional closeness through sex, and for some men, this may be a primary way that they identify with love due to a mix of personal and cultural factors. This does not mean that a relationship has to run back to the bedroom to ensure emotional stability. Parenthood is a great way to explore new types of love expression.

Getting Back To The Bedroom

Redefining What Sex Looks Like

Reigniting Sex after childbirth mean understanding that sex with a baby in the house looks different for all new parents, but remembering that sex is an opportunity to connect physically and affectionately. Orgasm does not have to be the only goal.

Non-Sexual Intimacy

Earlier I discussed connecting mentally and emotionally, another way to close the gap is non-sexual physical touch like foot massages and simply cuddling. For many new mothers, they spend so much of their day caring for other people, sometimes it helps them relax when they’re taken care of. Schedule time together, maybe you will get to enjoy some hot and heavy sex, maybe you’ll enjoy some connection that builds your relationship back towards having sex.

Cuddles, Convos & Check-ins

Start having check ins that aren’t baby or house related, remind yourselves about what it important, take care of each other.

• “What was something that made you smile this week?” 
• “Have you eaten anything substantial today?” 
• “When was the last time you enjoyed an everything shower?”

Discuss what would make you feel loved/attractive/sexy together and try it out. So many of the barriers between new parents are because of communication breakdowns. Understand that with the stresses of being parents, your libido might look different for a little while. Being open and honest about this can help ease any tension and frustration. 

In Summary

reigniting sex after childbirth looks different for every couple, regardless it starts with the basics: love and care.