A Threesome Did Not Ruin My Marriage, It Strengthened It

Why We Explored Threesomes Together

Several years ago I wrote about taking my husband to a brothel as a way of us exploring threesome fantasies and testing our boundaries around involving other women in our sex life. At the time, I didn’t realise I was learning first-hand how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage. This journey was about our pleasure and fantasies as a couple, not as a way to fix any problems we were having. 

There was only one outcome we were hoping for, and that was an increase in desire and pleasure, and neither were things our sex life was lacking. Whilst we have paused our monogamish activities for now, there are many lasting effects which can be explored below, in the perspective of a threesome did not ruin my marriage, it opened new doors for us to love and appreciate each other.

Exploring Jealousy and Insecurity as a Team

When we had our first open experience with a sex worker I was so aroused by the sight of him with the woman we had paid. I thought that would set the tone for how I would feel with all future encounters, and I was wrong. 

After our first time involving someone we knew, I asked my husband about the experience and whether there was anything he enjoyed that I could try to recreate. Having tried everything to understand the technique, and driven myself mad with near jealousy, we worked out that it wasn’t anything special she did, he was looking at it through the lens of different is exciting. That experience was one of our first lessons in how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage by talking through jealousy rather than avoiding it.

A New Perspective On Sex And Desire

One of the biggest takeaways when learning how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage is understanding that ‘different’ doesn’t automatically mean ‘better’. Couples who talk about their jealousy often report that it brings them closer. 

There is nothing for me to be jealous of over different, when we explore threesomes and sexual adventures together we both experience different. This ability to communicate openly about insecurities has been a cornerstone in how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage. Different does not mean better, just a another kind of exciting. 

New exciting and different do not equal better, and when you experience this enough it becomes painfully obvious. When you have we with the same person for a long time, there are patterns of behaviour and things you learn about them that make sex more comfortable and enjoyable. These things are missing with new partners, so whilst it is fun and exciting, it does not mean your orgasms will be as powerful or as satisfying than when it is just you and your partner alone. 

Threesomes Can Improve Emotional Maturity

Performance Pressure And Comparison In Group Sex

When we had group sex with another couple we both felt performance anxiety and insecurity comparing ourselves to them sexually and physically. Whilst confronting, these were great tools to open communication in our relationship, and to use as tools for self exploration. Understanding and overcoming strong emotions helps to grow within a relationship and as a person, it strengthens emotional maturity and deepens personal connections. This us-versus-the-world mindset was an unexpected lesson in how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage.

Changing Boundaries And Shared Values

Understanding that different does not mean better helped both my husband and I navigate more topics than just our sex life. When we first started this journey it was with the premise that it would only ever be us and women, the group sex was a surprise, and I did not touch the other man. Since then we have discussed trying out swinging in the traditional form and whilst it has not ventured into our fantasy space and it may stay a conversation forever, the fact that it has ever become a conversation shows change. 

One reason for this could be the us vs. the world mindset which we adopted during our play era, we were a team, we partied and played as a team, as equals. If you and your partner want to explore how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage, creating a healthy and open, shared mindset is an important start. This shared attitude was unifying. What was further unifying was the sense of recommitting to each other over and over. Sharing the sexual experience is one thing, but choosing to go home together afterwards, every time, is powerful.

Relationship Health Check for Opening Up Your Relationship

Before you decide to explore threesomes or other forms of non-monogamy, it’s worth taking stock of your relationship health. This quick checklist can help you figure out if you’re in the right place to take the leap.

✅1. Are we both genuinely interested?

Opening up your relationship should come from shared curiosity and desire, not pressure from one partner.

✅2. Have we talked about boundaries in detail?

Discuss emotional, physical, and logistical boundaries, including what’s off-limits and what’s on the table.

✅3. Do we have strong communication skills?

If you can’t openly discuss fantasies, jealousy, or insecurities, those issues will only magnify in a non-monogamous setting.

✅4. Have we talked about jealousy and how to handle it?

Make a plan for what happens if one of you feels left out or triggered.

✅5. Are we secure in our commitment?

You should both feel confident that your relationship is the primary partnership and that exploring won’t threaten that.

✅6. Have we set aftercare expectations?

Plan for what you’ll do to reconnect emotionally after the experience.

✅7. Are we ready for surprises?

Even with a plan, unexpected feelings or situations can arise, flexibility is key.

The Role Of Trust, Intimacy, And Aftercare

Aftercare Keep Emotional Safety Intact

When you have a threesome and you are in a long-term relationship, if you really want to know how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage, prioritising aftercare is essential especially if you ever want to enjoy the experience together again. Aftercare means checking in with each other afterwards, making the little efforts to connect, love and show you care about each other. 

Relationships need this kind of work regardless to stay happy and healthy in the long run, but opening our marriage to threesomes regularly encouraged this behaviour as a side effect. This kind of behaviour creates a safe space for intimacy and love to grow, not separate.

Pressing Pause For Parenthood, Not Problems

It feels timely to add here that we paused having threesomes and sexual adventures because we became parents, not because we had any disagreement or falling out over these activities. Having children adds a layer of complexity to non-monogamous dynamics that we are not ready to face.

We still enjoy fantasies and a happy, satisfying sex life, post sexual adventures. Many people engage in non-monogamous relationships and swinging/threesome dynamics when they are parents, and we might in the future. For now cultivating a safe and strong home environment is more important than our relationship pushing new boundaries.

Our Takeaway, Choice Growth And Connection

In summary we are still married and we are still open to future sexual escapades. The joy and freedom of expression, whether it is music, sexual, art or even just writing, is the ability to choose for yourself to join and retreat when it feels right. 

There was no major disagreement or boundary crossing that caused us to change directions, life chose that for us when we became parents. Having threesomes and new sexual experiences together didn’t magically make our marriage impervious to any problems. That is one of the secrets of how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage.

Choosing Each Other, Again and Again

It did give us emotional closeness and personal growth that has allowed us to navigate challenges in our marriage with love and practiced communication. In the end, how to have a threesome without ruining your marriage is about love, trust, and choosing intimacy with your partner every single time. Our journey is different to couples who engage in open relationships, that was not our goal or need at the time. Whilst life has given us reasons to pause our sexual adventures, for now, we are still open to the idea, we still fantasise together, and we still enjoy a fulfilling sex life together. A threesome did not ruin our marriage, it reminded us that love, trust and intimacy are choices we continue to make, together.