How to Thrive in the BDSM Scene with a Disability
Disabilities And The BDSM Scene
There’s a myth that if you’re not 100% able-bodied, you aren’t able to enjoy life to the fullest, let alone a sex life, and forget about kink play. Who started that thought though? Because it’s quite the opposite!
On my BDSM journey, I have met numerous people who have health issues, physical disabilities and mental health issues. All of these people are productive and involved members of the BDSM community. I myself have an autoimmune and chronic pain disorder, in spite of this I have been able to enjoy BDSM events, topping and bottoming in play scenes, and learnt a lot about myself and BDSM, all while making friends along the way.
The BDSM community is very accepting of people with any difference, no matter what it is and there are probably lots of people in the same situation.
Compartmentalise
When I first came into “the scene” I started to realise that more people with various health issues than I would have thought have found their way to Kink and BDSM.
I have met people with depression, anxiety, chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, people in wheelchairs and with walking sticks and so so much more.
It felt like I came into this all-accepting community, people didn’t see race, gender, sexual preference or physical and mental limitations (I will explore mental health in another article at a later date). For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like an outsider or that my health issues made me less deserving of enjoying myself.
My experiences with bottoming in BDSM turned out to be quite liberating and empowering when it came to my health issues.
I mainly bottom for impact play, it’s my favourite play type; I can compartmentalise my chronic pain (that I hate) from the impact pain (that I actually really enjoy.) For those moments in the play scene, I am a normal-bodied person, with no chronic pain, just somebody enjoying the impact play.
Work with your limitations not against them
The more I went down the rabbit hole, the more I fell in love with the lifestyle and I found more ways to work with my health issues; rather than against them. By working with my limitations I was playing better and hurting myself less. The best advice is to get creative and find small adjustments to help you play.
It’s important to remember what works for one person might not work for you, but do get advice from other BDSM players with health issues, some of what helps them might be applicable to you or you might be able to adjust to suit your circumstances. And don’t be afraid to pull out of a play if you’re in pain or limited in movement too much, there is no shame in knowing your limitations.
Here’s some of the stuff that helps me.
When I top…
- I found that I got sore hands quite quickly from spanking, so I use tools and swap them regularly. I build up sensations for the bottom and adjust placements.
- I also found that having my tools at waist height was better for me so I put a table or bed etc next to my play space to put my tools on. That way I don’t have to bend over and I can keep contact with my bottom.
- I also found the position the bottom is on is important. I tend to like bottoms standing on a cross or laying down, it depends on which part of my body is hurting that day.
- Be ready to adapt and change. Work with your limitations, not against them.
When I bottom…
- I make sure I have open and honest communication with the top, make sure they are aware of my health issues and can adapt to them if needed. If I am having a flare-up with a certain health issue at that particular time, I make sure to communicate this to the top so they can stay away from that area.
- I get a sore back if I am in the same position for too long, so I make sure I can signal to the top if I need to change positions. This doesn’t mean I want to stop the play scene, so have a different signal than the traffic light system to signal this.
When at events…
- I make sure I have access to seating.
- I bring alternate flat shoes to change into if needed.
- I bring a thick coat or blanket for winter parties.
- I make sure I drink lots of water to keep hydrated.
- I don’t overdo the alcohol, if I have too much alcohol I won’t be able to play and I might fall over or stumble, possibly hurting myself.
No matter if you’re playing, going to events or just in your everyday life; it’s important to monitor your condition and keep yourself safe and healthy. Remember your limits and ask for help if you need it. Also, remember to speak to your local sex shop owner, they can give you some advice on disability-friendly sex toys and tools and relay what other BDSM players have said works well for them!
