How To Successfully Talk About Kinks With Your Lover!

So you've met somebody new and you're really happy with how this relationship is going so far. Buuuut, there's this nagging in the back of your mind that you haven't been completely open with them about what you like in the bedroom, you want to be honest about it so you can get what you really enjoy and move forward in your sexual relationship with them. But where to start? How do you bring something like this up with somebody new without freaking them out? Well lets figure this one out.

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According to research as many as 1 in 6 adults have at least one sexual fetish if not more and yet we treat fetishes as taboo, something to be ashamed of and hidden. We are on this planet for too short a time to spend it hiding, miserable, pretending to be something we aren't. No matter what your fetish, there are people out there who feel the same and if you are wholeheartedly yourself, you will find them. Bringing this up with somebody new can be daunting but, there are strategies you can use to help. When you want to bring something new up; think back to how open they've been to things in their everyday life, this can steer you to think about how to approach the topic. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith.

One thing you can do to start the conversation is to ask them if there's anything specific they like, anything kind of kinky they enjoy or want to try or anything you can do to enhance their sexual enjoyment. Gauging their response and their answers can help you a lot. They might come straight out and say what they like or want, they might say yes or no and then ask what about you?, or they might get really shy and avoid the topic. Either way, it tells you how to go forward. Sometimes you just gotta rip that band-aid off and say what you need to say.

Let's start with the first one if they come out and say what they enjoy. Be receptive and listen. Ask questions and ask yourself if you are able to fulfil this need in them. Hey, they might come out and say the same as you, that would be great! But if they have a different fetish than you, you might be able to fill their needs while they fill yours. In all likelihood, somebody who has a fetish themselves is more likely to accept that you have one too.

What about if they say no, but ask if there's anything you like or want to try? Some people will say no just because they don't want to cause a stir, some don't really know what else there is or what else they want and some really are satisfied with what they have already. Being open and honest about what you want is the best thing to do. Sometimes it is all about the delivery. Maybe try slipping your fetish in between a list of other fetishes that you think your partner might like to try. Example: You might say; “Maybe we could try roll play, spanking, tying each other up or hot wax, what do you think?”  this is quite a non threatening way to slip it into the conversation, you can gauge their response and interest to each thing you say.

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If they get really shy about it and try to avoid the topic; they might have just never really had this conversation with somebody before or they might just be worried about how you will react. Some ways to handle this is to make them feel comfortable to talk about it; explain that you are open-minded, won't judge. Sometimes if you express your desires first it can embolden them to open up as well.
Another good way to start (no matter their reaction) is by showing each other the porn each of you watches; it's a great way to break the ice and start the conversation.
Why not take a trip to the sex shop? Your local sex shop isn't just a purveyor of fine sex toys. A good sex shop is a haven of non-judgemental inclusiveness and a brilliant source of knowledge. Ask a heap of questions, ask about toys, ask their recommendations and advice.

 

So how do you start introducing something once you've started the conversation? Slowly introduce whatever your kink is to the relationship, if you dive in too fast you run the risk of scaring people off. Make sure you introduce things in a non-threatening way, it's a learning curve so give them time and information.

For example, if you like bondage, you could introduce some instructional videos and some porn with bondage as the theme, sit down and watch them together, tell them what you like or dislike about it.  introStartducing being tied up in small ways, learn a basic tie off the internet, maybe tie their hands to the bedposts, use a necktie or a scarf so it is soft for your trial and error faze. Tie it a little loose the first time, better for it to be a bit lose than for it to be too tight and cut off circulation.

Once you've started to educate yourself and incorporated it in your sex life you can then start looking for something like bondage classes, you’ll find them in most major cities they can teach ties and safety around bondage. It also introduces you to a group of people who all also love bondage.

Not all kinks and fetishes are as open or need education around them. For instance if you just like your feet being played with, then you don't need safety information for that. You just need to have a play around with what you like and get busy.

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Just like other parts of a relationship, there has got to be some give and take with your kinks. If your partner is into something, give it a try even if you aren't into it that much, if they are enjoying it then that's a win its all about compromise. Who says you have to stick to one kink? Give and take with each other, explore! you might find new things each of you likes, you never know. Remember, keeping an open mind is one thing but it's important never to feel pressured to do something you’re not comfortable with, and this goes for your partner to make sure you aren’t pushing them down a road they don’t want to travel.

What if your partner isn't reciprocal of you kink?
Well, they might just not know, you might just need to ask them to sit down and have a look at some videos with you. They might be willing to do that much, but if not or if they still say no, you need to weigh up your options.
You can stay in the relationship without your kink or you can leave the relationship. Everybody is different in how integral their kink is to their sexual happiness. You will have to make that decision yourself.

Generally though fetishes, kinks, likes and dislikes are what make us who we are in and out of the bedroom and for the most part we all want our sexual partners to be having a good time but you have to be happy too. So start the conversation early. You don't want to be happy in every other part of your relationship except your sex life, sooner or later it boils over. Sexuality is healthy and natural, so talk, explore and have fun.

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