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How To Find Your “Role” In The BDSM Scene

Figuring out what you like:

The beginning of your BDSM journey is always an exciting time; everything is new and sparkly, you get to see and do a lot of new things and start to be a part of a vibrant and inclusive community.

When you first start exploring BDSM you can feel like a kid in a candy store, everything looks so new and exciting, you wanna jump in and try everything right now!

But slow down; you have weeks, months, years and more to try things; there is no rush.

The trap

with jumping in too fast is that unscrupulous people may take advantage of it and do what they want with no regard for what you actually want or want to learn.

The other thing is you may find yourself getting bad advice or listening to people who don’t know what they are talking about.

If you start listening to or play with people who don’t know what they’re talking about or what they’re doing; then you run a higher risk of getting hurt emotionally or physically or picking up their bad habits, thinking you have learnt something correctly; when in actuality, you may end up hurting somebody yourself.

If you do get hurt or pushed too far too fast you might find yourself turned off and not wanting to stick around in the scene and that is just a big waste.

A great place to start

is to have a google and see what takes your fancy, look at some information, pictures and videos, you never know what you might see and like. 

Porn is a good place to start too, but do remember porn isn’t real and not everything is like that in real life. But it is a good blueprint for seeing the basics.

Another good place to start is going to events, a lot of events have stage shows where you can see some play and some events have patrons playing too. You can watch and ask some questions if you want to. The other good thing about events is just talking with people, you can learn a lot and ask as many questions as you want.

The longer you are in the scene the more you will be exposed to and the more you will learn, just take your time and be receptive to trying new things.

Your title in the scene:

There are a lot of titles people go by in the scene and all these titles mean different things and have different roles to play.

I am a firm believer that people don’t fit into one box though, we don’t in any other part of our lives why should we in our sex lives or in BDSM?

I identify primarily as a bisexual submissive but I also switch with women, I’m a Miss (not a full mistress), have kitten and little tenancies, I am a caregiver and a sadomasochist.

See not one box fits all. Be a mishmash of everything you truly are.

Sometimes it depends on what relationships you are in what mood you are in or on your evolution and learning. Sometimes people in the scene want to make people conform to one box but it isn’t needed. Be who you are, don’t change for anybody!

Establishing and understanding

what titles fit you can be hard sometimes; and that is totally fine, nobody knows it all straight away. The longer you are in the scene the more you figure yourself out and learn your likes and dislikes.

One way to learn about yourself in the scene is to take this quiz this is a great resource, asks a lot of great questions and tabulates them to find where you fit in. Just remember no quiz or person knows you better than yourself, go with what you feel.

I have taken this test once a year, every year since starting in the scene and my answers always change. We evolve as people and with knowledge comes better understanding of ourselves.

Your role within the scene

When you join the scene it can feel like being the new kid at school, you don’t know anybody, you don’t know who to talk to or what to talk about; and everyone you meet might seem like they know where they fit in and what they want to be in the scene.

But don’t worry, you will figure it out and see where you fit in soon enough, remember everybody was new once.

Some people are leaders in the community, some are helpers, some are just community members who do their own thing, people are friends, instructors, tool makers, toy sellers and there are so many other roles too. Soon enough you’ll find your place, where and what you want to do.

During your evolution in the scene you will learn lots of skills; some people then choose to pass that knowledge on to others; some just enjoy the journey of learning for themselves. Both ways are fine ways to live in the scene.

The scene is a vibrant puzzle and we are all different shapes and colours, making a beautiful patchwork of puzzle pieces fitting together to build the scene we know and love. Enjoy and see where you fit.

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