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My Partner Got A Fleshlight & I’m Not Even Worried

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My partner wants a Fleshlight, should I be worried?

Staring at rows of male masturbators we had no idea what to expect from any of the designs, or what the Pornstars on the box had to do with the feeling a Fleshlight provides - nothing it turns out. There were so many options and having never bought any kind of male sex toy there were so many questions. With a quick call to our favourite Adelaide sex shop, Adult Bliss Erotica, to ask every question under the sun, we decided on the Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit. To clarify I am talking about my husband and myself, a woman, though to be fair we could have been any clueless couple or individual, our gender and orientation simply influenced the design of male masturbator we perused. With zero expectations, the experience was approached with hope: his hope was to experience something a little different to masturbation, and for the obvious reason – “stamina training”. My hope was to add something different to our routine.

I should backtrack to when he approached me, curious to buy himself a Fleshlight: my first reaction was not supportive, in fact, I flat out told him it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt threatened, like my body and sexuality weren’t enough for him. After a few days we returned to the conversation and I could admit that, reflecting on my own dildo/vibrator collection, it felt selfish and judgemental to deny him the same pleasure, he had been so supportive of buying that collection. His desire was for something different to his hand, something that looked more realistic, and with an interior design that didn’t look like something out of Labyrinth - hence our choice of the vagina-like Fleshlight. If vagina’s aren’t your thing there are options like the Colt Hole Stroker or the Fleshlight Quickshot. Maybe your partner would prefer a copy of your anatomy, enter the Clone-A-Pussy Plus Sleeve Kit. No matter what your interest or comfort range is there are products for everyone each with their own unique features from self-warming to USB rechargeable vibration.

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Leading up to buying and using the Fleshlight there were other nerves, a small (read: humongous) part of me worried that he would enjoy it more than he enjoyed having sex with me. No matter how confident and comfortable I am with my anatomy, or my sex life, humans are not structured or textured like male masturbators. Vibrators and dildos come in a variety of shapes, sizes and textures, capable of staying eternally erect, some buzz and some rotate, all things that a human penis cannot do - this should have been my first clue. Part of him worried about similar issues, we were both thinking about things through the lens of inexperience, and this is all before we had even bought the damn thing. Though it’s not like looking up “How to last longer in bed”, there’s not a whole lot of literature on couples using a Fleshlight. Despite our nerves and lack of experience, we were an eager pair, hoping to add something new to our sex life and support his sexual health.

Using it was different to other times exploring mutual masturbation, after nearly 9 years together, we’re comfortable with ourselves and each other: getting naked and pleasuring ourselves whilst the other watches is not out of our ordinary. The first time he had control, I was a passive observer, able to watch his experience. Together we had been exploring ways to keep our sex life interesting, and this certainly did that. Plus I don’t always have to be a passive observer. Because the inside of a Fleshlight is textured with soft, massaging designs; when someone is controlling it themselves there is more ability to manage the sensation, when I took control, he lost the ability to manipulate the feelings, it was a wholly different level of excitement for both of us. Safe to say that it has become a welcome part of our sexual exploits together, and for him separately.

Earlier I talked about my fears, specifically the question ‘Does a Fleshlight feel better than sex?’ which, as implied earlier, is a ridiculous notion, especially if the person asking owns any kind of penis shaped pleasure tool. Please don’t take this as my calling you ridiculous if you feel this way, it’s okay to be uncertain of the unknown, rather I am saying that those of us who are comfortable using penis shaped toys could be more open minded to male masturbators, and male sex toys. Maybe I don’t personally have an appendage that fits into and can get pleasured by a male sex toy, but I can say that my sex life has not suffered because my husband uses a Fleshlight. Contrary to this fear, when we use it together it is more of a foreplay tool than anything, I can’t feel threatened by something that isn’t damaging the intimacy I share in my relationship.

The biggest conversation that came from buying a Fleshlight has been around our insecurities and his right to own sex toys that please him. I believe it is unfair to willingly, and happily, accept people owning penis shaped sex toys, but then be offended when their partner wants a sex toy of their own because it is shaped like a vagina/butthole/inanimate object. I was guilty of this, it took some communicating and empathising with his wants and needs to see the selfishness of my position. Dildos don’t feel like dicks, Fleshlights don’t feel like human insides. If you’re willing to try it together, use it to enhance your foreplay or fantasy roleplays.  Having faced the rubber vagina and still enjoyed a passionate sex life afterwards I am confident in saying to any person who feels that way: If we are equal then our attitudes about masturbatory toys should be as well.

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